It’s gloomy outside again. Summer really is here, which means nonstop rain and muggy heat. You’d think that the rain would cool things down a bit, but the heavy clouds stop the breeze and the air becomes so hot and thick it feels like you could swim in it. Then come the mosquitoes and the roaches…Truly the most miserable season. I normally like the rain, but it is admittedly more enjoyable when you can watch it from a window in a house with centralized air conditioning.
Well, at least I am looking at plane tickets again today. In retrospect, I should have known that I’d never get out of here according to my schedule. Growing up with my parents was an exercise in missing deadlines. Not just the first deadline, but typically the second and the third, and sometimes even the fourth. This summer has been making me recall last summer. My parents sent me and my little brother here while they sold our old house. Said they’d be back in a week. One week turned into two, then three, then four, then five. Every week, it was “just one more week.” This was particularly difficult because we had no working car, and delivery is simply not a thing here. The stores weren’t close enough to walk to, and even if they had been, there are no safe paths to get there. I was rationing Ritz crackers, cans of corn, and slices of ham like we were in a post-apocalyptic dystopia. My brother would complain he was still hungry (growth spurt), I would hand over my rations and resign myself to another night of thin rice porridge…I actually lost a good bit of weight. We didn’t know the neighbors well back then, and I had no idea it was even an option to divulge our struggles to them. They recently discovered that we were in such dire straights and were almost offended. Now I know they would have never allowed us to endure such food scarcity. Even without knowing our circumstances, they actually did bail us out once. They gave us 2 loaves of bread, 2 fruit cups, and 2 cans of soda. This sustained us for several days, and I was very grateful.
In addition to that, that summer was just generally very chaotic. This house had been left abandoned because we missed our deadlines to get here to begin with (egregiously, by months). So the neglect resulted in numerous problems. There was an incredible amount of cleaning to do since the windows had been left open, with boxes strewn about. I discovered a termite infestation in the middle of the night while investigating this awful scratching noise. I lugged the offending wooden headboard outside, only for it to break and for termites to flood from the crack. Electrical outlets fried our appliances during power surges and I was afraid I’d broken our toaster oven. The gas for our dryer ran out, and I had to set up a makeshift indoors clothesline with fans around it because it was raining. And a hurricane was hovering off the coast, so the rain was truly terrifying and the power outages were abundant. Even when I was able to pay a neighbor to take me to the grocery store, I ended up getting accosted by some employee that wanted to “be friends” who I had to immediately ghost due to predictable boundary issues. To this day, he still stares at me when I visit the store and I pretend not to notice. Nothing was easy, ever, and my parents just would not come back.
But I digress. I could provide ample examples of my parents’ time blindness, like how I was late to my own birthday parties, or how teachers would offer me rides home because I was the last person standing outside on campus at night, or how my brother is four years overdue to get glasses, or how I’m only writing this post because I’m waiting for my father to drive me to the grocery store, which was supposed to happen hours ago…Suffice it to say I have no idea why I took the “we’ll get you there by mid-May” claim at face value. I guess I just wanted to believe it so badly. I’m cautiously optimistic I’ll be able to leave by the end of June, but knowing my parents, I wouldn’t be surprised if it ended up taking longer. I think my mom really does feel bad, especially because I’ve been relegated to “family chef” in her time of online teaching, so if her guilt is powerful enough, I might leave as early as next week. I’m really not cut out for the ambiguity and shifting goalposts, though. I am suddenly reminded of a time my mother offered to drive me to class, but we were so late that I refused to attend. Instead, I had a complete meltdown in the car and started crying. Good times.
If you are wondering why I have allowed myself to be so dependent on people like this when I am…like that, all I can say is I often wonder this too. Maybe I’ve just gotten too complacent. They’re good people, but I ran out of patience for this sort of thing years ago, and my life’s goal has become independence. Every time I say this, both of my parents get extremely sullen, however. I think my mother is trying to be more supportive, at least.
Anyways, in other news:
I guess there’s more. Like, for example, I reconnected with a friend, sort of (?) and realized once again that many interpersonal conflicts could be resolved by a ten minute conversation. Unfortunately, I am too stubborn and avoidant for that, so I’m sure a disastrous and entirely avoidable misunderstanding will happen again. Still, I choose to see this as a positive development. After all, better late than never…? And I also had a meeting with a career counselor, who said some things to me I have been contemplating heavily. Oh, and I applied for a job that I actually want, which is a rarity. I doubt I’ll get it, but what’s the harm?
But anyways, for the sake of brevity (lol), I guess I’ll wrap this up here and go see what the hell is taking my father so long. If you won’t let me drive, then at least don’t make me wait! With any luck, we will buy some bourbon (my favorite), which will be fair compensation in my eyes.
I’m trying to make the best of the time I have here and let go of some of my rigidity, but it’s hard. My mom keeps telling me I’ll need to get used to not being able to rely on anyone, because the world is unreliable. She’s right, but it pisses me off badly. It’s good I don’t have what it takes to become dictator god queen of the world, because I am very sure that I would be assassinated for sending AC guys who don’t show up and don’t call to labor camp. However, I would make lighters and sparkling water free for women, so it wouldn’t be all bad.
UPDATE (1:45 AM)
My father arrived as soon as I put my post in my code editor, so I didn’t get to send the post. I forgot to take pictures of the tacos after my first two, but they came out good. I didn’t even burn myself this time–last time I made these tacos, I burned the heel of my hand and it’s still a bit blistered.
Anyways, I made some salsa, too. We had no tomato sauce, so I used ketchup. My mom suggested it at first, and I was scandalized, but then I decided she was right. And she was! It was actually very good. Gave it a good amount of sweetness. I love homemade salsa. I also like that it’s basically just a salad in a blender. Feels quirky.
Anyways, I feel like my posts have been pretty frenetic lately. It’s probably fitting. I have felt very frenzied lately, but I am certain that I will get back on track soon. This agitated brain of mine will be calm soon, sleepy even.