April 22, 2024

Hi. It’s been awhile, hasn’t it? This post’ll probably be a little all over the place, but I just finished some work I’d been putting off and I’ve been drinking a bit, so I guess I feel a little self indulgent. I also only slept for 3 hours last night, so bear with me.

As for life changes: I’m moving! Have I mentioned that already? Yeah, I’m moving back to the States. I’m flying over tomorrow to start getting some things set up; there’s already an apartment lined up and everything. So, I wanted to get this blog post out of the way first…There have also been a lot of cat updates, but I’d like to give them their own dedicated post (with pictures!) so I’ll refrain from getting into it…But, the TLDR is there have been breakups, babies, and dramatic rescues from car engines.

Anyways, I was really fond of the idea of starting a coffee shop here, but I think it’s best to wait until I’m ready for retirement and have enough money to justify attempting such a pipe dream. In the meantime…well, God, I don’t know, actually. Librarianship pays like shit, and frankly, I’m sick of being broke. But a career shift to something more computer-oriented sounds really daunting…I am lacking the self confidence to really commit. I just know I hate graphic design and marketing and don’t want that to be my life forever. I’ll probably suck it up and do some work I hate while I figure out my next step.

But I’m…really excited about moving? I feel guilty saying that, because obviously there are a lot of things I will miss. The food, the wonderful neighbors, my beloved cats, the way you can smell the sea in the breeze, the rolling green hills…it’s really beautiful. So beautiful I’ve tried to convince myself I’m happy here. I’ve tried very, very, very hard to convince myself that there’s a future path for myself here, but it turns out I’m not good at that at all.

I have realized lately, not for the first time, that my body understands my mental state better than my conscious thinking brain does. For the last several months, I can’t sleep, my heart is always racing, I pick at my skin until it bleeds, my jaw is sore from clenching my teeth, and sometimes my hands shake. This happens sometimes, where my body and brain feel incredibly out of sync. From my bodily reactions, I’ll know I feel sad, or worried, or happy, and then I have to rifle through memories to figure out what’s making me feel that way. Like feeling around in the dark for a light switch. So, I know there’s something wrong. Maybe there are a lot of things I’ve been ignoring all accumulating like this.

Mostly, it’s probably because of how hard I’ve been trying to ignore the fact that a sabbatical in a tropical paradise is more like some sort of personal hell for me. I’ve alluded to this before, but in my mind, there’s nothing more depressing to me than simply existing without purpose. Living in a sleepy town like this doesn’t suit me, especially when work is so hard to come by. It doesn’t help that there are many hardships that come with living here. Between power outages, water shortages, running out of gas for the dryer, having no car, and my only portal to the outside world (my laptop) being miserably unreliable, I’ve felt more helpless than I have since I was a child. I can’t stand this languishing, this listlessness….ever since Gaia died, it’s become more intolerable than ever.

The night I made up my mind, I slept great and woke up refreshed. I guess I can’t deceive my body. I’m stressed out again from all the logistical decisions, especially since the flight is tomorrow, but I’m still pretty chipper about it all. Whatever the next chapter holds, I want to greet it as fast as I can. Which is a little out of character, since I’m usually pretty cautious and methodical. I can’t deny I have an impulsive streak too, though…But I am comforted by the fact I can always come visit, and my father has vowed to look after the cats in my absence. If I can get the money, maybe I can ship them over soon enough, too. I hope so.

Let’s see, what else…well. To escape my endless ennui, I’ve regressed to my childhood habit of compulsively reading, but it’s been mostly…BL. Really in the trenches, if I do say so myself. I tore through my whole back catalogue of GL, and I want to add a few reviews to my media log, but maybe I’ll have more time to do so when I get back from my trip. It’s just funny because it feels like some things really never change. I used to get in trouble for daydreaming and reading too much, which was my only real obvious behavioral flaw in childhood. One of my most vivid memories is of getting in trouble for reading Junji Ito manga at a Girl Scouts meeting. I guess I’ve just returned to escapism to cope with how overwhelming everything feels.

But in that escapism, I find that I’ve grown more and more isolated from everyone in my life. I don’t talk to anyone unless it’s related to work, or when I respond to an email once in a blue moon. People have told me before that I’m flakey, and I know it’s true. I avoid making close friendships because I know it isn’t fair to them to have a friend who’s prone to flaking out for months. I guess what makes me nervous is the fact that I don’t feel lonely. Shouldn’t I feel lonely? I have no one to talk to on a day to day basis–shouldn’t that bother me? Maybe it does bother me, but I just can’t tell because I’m so emotionally dysregulated? I really don’t know.

I feel like I still have an incredible amount to sort out, both logistically and mentally, but for some reason, I think everything will work out. Things usually seem to work out somehow. So, I guess I’ll just do my best and see what happens? Anyways, I have to go get ready for a meeting now. Maybe I’ll make a smoothie real quick to prepare. Hopefully, it won’t take me another two months to update this site, but no promises…

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