Wow, it’s been quite awhile since I last posted. I had it in my head I was going to post all these pictures and videos and make it substantial, but the more I built up the post in my head, the less I actually wanted to write it. So, I’ll just make it a little easier on myself and wing it.
First of all, it was pointed out to me that I left this blog on a bit of a cliffhanger regarding Nutmeg’s fate. That is true! But rest assured, she is still alright. In fact, I just took her outside to sunbathe and chase leaves around for about half an hour. She’s currently bouncing off the walls in post-sunshine delight.
Still, as I suspected, she does have FeLV. And it is “in the bones,” which is the worst case scenario. But the vet assured me that there is a lot they still don’t know about FeLV, and that no matter what, she is better off with someone who loves her than without. He answered my (many) questions and I’ve been managing the best I can. She eats Hill’s or Purina Pro with L-Lysine powder mixed in and I keep a close eye on her stress and health. Her bad breath wasn’t improving (which can be warning signs of mouth infections or FeLV-typical stomatitis), so I took her in and got her on a round of antibiotics and gabapentin for pain/anxiety, and her breath is fine now. She’s been running around like a maniac ever since. She honestly seems like a healthy and happy (if somewhat “evil” and “demonic,” according to my mother) cat, although she is still quite small. She’s over 7 pounds now, though! She looks a lot more like Butterscotch with the extra weight, and it really makes me wonder…
Aside from Nutmeg, there are so many life updates that it’s kind of crazy. I got a job at the library I attended so often as a child. That was an interesting twist of fate. I’d been job hunting for months, getting ghosted after interviews, and applying to things with lower pay than internships I took during undergrad. By chance, I saw that the public library was hiring, applied, and was working within a week. Admittedly, I am underemployed and working at a job that I’m overqualified for, but hey, a job is better than no job. Plus, I’ve fallen into a friend group with my coworkers and I think the structure and socialization is good for me (understatement of the year – I think I was headed for a nervous breakdown after years of having nothing to do and no one talk to.) My supervisor gave me some duck eggs from his property and I made shakshuka with them. I’m supposed to go to a game night this Sunday to eat snacks and play board games with my coworkers. I went to my first ever hockey game last month and we got burgers after. A coworker talked to me about a tokusatsu club and invited me to their next meeting. I signed a birthday card recently and doodled a frog. These are the sorts of things I used to take for granted as frivolous niceties, and I still often dread having to socialize, but I’ve come to appreciate it. It feels like I have always been on an island by myself, and I’d lost the ability to build bridges and leave that island for day trips. Rebuilding that skill is taking a lot of time and effort, but I know I must do it.
I decided that if I was going to be working less than 20 hours a week, I may as well fill the extra time with something productive. Lemons and lemonade and whatnot. So, I also started taking some classes in preparation for a master’s program in data analytics. Mind you, I took exactly one math class in college and my background is in art. To ensure this wasn’t just me being whimsical and impulsive (again), I decided to take the first two classes in the program as a trial run, see if I like them, and then decide whether or not to apply. I am lucky the program allows you to microdose it like this – and credits are transferrable if you do well enough. Now, finals are right around the corner, and I’m on track to get a B in both classes (maybe even an A in one if I don’t fumble), but good lord, that was not easy. Really, the “right way” would have been to take all the prerequisite courses, but I’m impatient and learn best by jumping in the deep end. I have indeed learned more than I thought was even possible, but I do want to be cautious before committing to a full-blown program…at a prestigious school known for rigor and hard STEM. Either way, I think some sort of higher education is on the horizon. I did consider a PhD program, but given the federal funding cuts, it would appear the Trump administration made my decision for me. I would say thanks, but I do not feel thankful, and wish nothing but the worst for everyone involved. But I digress.
I also got a car. I underestimated how important it is to have a car. It’s an old Prius with 120k miles on it and someone left a loooong dent on it in a parking lot within a month (it would cost $2k to fix through PDR, and the car itself only cost $10k, but if I go through insurance, they would probably declare it totaled and jack up my rates, and I don’t want the drama since it’s just cosmetic), but despite it all, I am very fond of my old beater car. It feels like it is mine, and I will drive it with affection until the wheels fall off. I also love how small it is (except for when I’m driving near those freaky GMO cars that are comically oversized). The MPG is insane and it feels like it has a ton of life left in it. I really feel like I can do anything now because I can go anywhere and I don’t have to depend on anyone. Psychologically, this has been revolutionary to me. I don’t know why it took me so long to realize that sharing cars with my parents and bumming rides off anyone who pities me was contributing to my helplessness/despair complex.
Actually, on that note – I realized at some point that I craved discipline and structure. The online communities I grew up in valorized “self-care” (read: coddling) and making excuses for inadequacy. I was lulled into a sense of complacency and settled for being miserable because I didn’t know what else to do and concluded there was nothing I could do. The learned helplessness was intense, and there was no one credible in my life who was willing to tell me that rotting in bed all day and making excuse after excuse wasn’t serving me well. After I finally realized all this for myself, my personal narrative quickly turned on pre-enlightenment me. She was a lazy good-for-nothing loser who needed to suck it up and work harder and it was all her stupid fault that I was so behind and maladjusted. Post-enlightenment me was the clean-up crew trying to fix everything she messed up. This was the framework I clung to until very recently, when I realized all that shit about being empathetic to yourself is, inconveniently, also true.
To rewind a little, I was diagnosed with POTS when I was in my early twenties after a fainting spell. I never went to the follow-up tilt test because it was cost prohibitive, but it didn’t seem like rocket science. I measured my own heart rate and it was textbook. My heart rate rose by over 30BPM when I stood, and this elevation did not cease until I was sitting or laying down. However, I’d been diagnosed with so many things (including adrenal insufficiency, which I have not followed up on to this day), I kind of disregarded it. At the time, I was told to eat more salt and wear compression socks, and this sounded like a whole lot of nothing, so I got a health watch to monitor my heart rate, curiously observed my heart rate fluctuations, but ultimately felt like I was fine. And even if I wasn’t, what was I going to do, eat more salt? I could acknowledge I had nebulously poor heath, but I either discounted my symptoms as me being dramatic and making excuses or felt so helpless and frustrated by them I’d end up depressed for weeks.
So, skipping ahead…within the last few months, I finally shopped around for a new doctor. Insomnia is actually what prompted the visit. I’ve had issues falling asleep since childhood and felt like it needed to be addressed because it’s a huge part of why I’m chronically late, and I was tired of waiting for my sleep to magically improve despite behavioral modifications doing very little. I casually mentioned the POTS diagnosis and he agreed after listening to my heart.
A few days later, at work, I felt like complete shit. Brain fog, out of breath, dizzy, darkening vision, weakness…I didn’t even feel safe to drive. My boss told me I was trembling and pale, and she gave me a packet of liquid IV and a lollipop. I was stunned to realize I felt fine within an hour. I wondered if this was placebo, but I texted my doctor anyways. I’d never come up with a solution for when I felt that way beyond either laying in bed or pushing through it, so this felt revelatory. My doctor promptly prescribed a beta blocker.
I was skeptical of the beta blocker because in my experience, they made me sleepy and reduced my blood pressure too much (I already have lowish blood pressure that hangs out around 95/60). But I took the beta blocker and was shocked to see it didn’t touch my blood pressure, but stabilized my heart rate. It worked! …But I also didn’t suddenly feel amazing. It was the same as when I realized I had POTS – I just kind of looked at my heart rate monitor and went, “Huh, that’s weird.” I kept taking the beta blocker because I couldn’t see a reason not to, but I also felt like there wasn’t a compelling reason to take it. If my tachycardia had no effect on anything, why address it at all?
Except one day, I forgot to take my beta blocker. I couldn’t even get out of bed and wondered why I felt so tired, so shitty, so utterly unwell. I also felt shockingly depressed and this prompted a panicky feeling because it was like my body had stored memories of how it felt to be pre-enlightenment me better than I did. This somatic trip down memory lane reminded me in stark detail how I used to feel. Miserable, fatigued, powerless, trapped in my own body, and overall like life wasn’t worth living. I abruptly remembered the beta blocker and took it along with some electrolytes, and lo and behold, I felt human again within just half an hour.
Holy shit, POTS is real! I dutifully found an LMNT electrolyte recipe, purchased the ingredients, bulk prepared enough to last me for months, resolved to drink it every single morning, and started taking my beta blocker routine more seriously. I can feel it when I haven’t taken it. And now I have returned to feeling very sad for the version of me who was convinced I was just a pathetic loser with no backbone or self-discipline. Yes, I was prone to making excuses for not seriously trying to improve my life. But that wasn’t because nothing was wrong with me. I literally cannot imagine feeling that way every single day again. How the fuck did I go to college feeling that way? No wonder I struggled so much.
I think post-enlightenment me conflated discipline with suffering quietly, never complaining, pushing myself, essentially bullying myself into ignoring pain and sickness and convincing myself that everyone feels this way. I was just lacking resilience. The answer was to put myself through even more, more, and more still…but it turns out you cannot shame yourself into making more blood! And in many ways, I actually think this was also part of the learned helplessness issue. I just decided I was making it up and wasted years of my life instead of taking the initiative to advocate for my own health. But at the same time, I can objectively recognize that I was dealing with a ton of medical misogyny and I simply shouldn’t have had to fight my doctors at 19 when they all treated me like I was crazy and lying. A doctor flatout told me that lots of women faint and feel tired and it wasn’t notable. Insane!
I won’t dwell on the anger though, because I actually feel pretty good now. I have energy in the day to do more of the things I want to do – I even signed up for a reformer pilates class and I’m two weeks in and already sitting up straighter and feeling stronger. I have more energy to play with my cat. I cook healthier meals and don’t feel the need to reach for liquor or weed to cope with how miserable I feel (don’t get me wrong, I still indulge, but it’s not a crutch anymore). I’m even thinking faster. I honestly believed I was just becoming stupider and would joke I peaked in middle school, but now I am convinced I was just depriving my brain of sufficient blood flow because all that mental sharpness is coming back. Hell, it’s even gotten easier to go to sleep on time and maintain a routine.
Still, there’s a lot left to investigate, so I imagine I’ll be dedicating more energy into figuring out what exactly is wrong with my health (POTS is almost always secondary to something else, for example) and finding solutions. My migraines have returned, and that’s not cool with me at all, particularly because I’ve been dealing with some form of migraine since I was literally 5 years old (abdominal migraines) and also have migraines that make me feel like I’m being actively brain-damaged. I once went blind during one. So, I think I am done accepting indifferent shrugs. It’s my life, and I would like to actually live it.
Maybe then I’ll be able to really do everything I want to do…then again, realistically, there are too many things I want to do! I want to switch fields and get an MA in a notoriously challenging program, I want to work full-time, I want to make extra cash petsitting, I want to run my litmag so well we can turn a profit, I want to update my hobby sites, I want to take up sewing, I want to draw more and read more and write more, I want to start a garden, I want to upgrade my home server, I want to vacuum more, I want to cook more, I want to buy nicer clothes, I want to have a social life, hell, maybe even a love life, maybe even adopt a kid someday – and that’s just too much to handle all at once.
But I did manage to get some piercings I’ve wanted for awhile (daith and second lobe), bought a leather bag from Ukraine, and picked up some Docs from the 90s that look brand new and were truly a bargain. So, you know, spring has been okay so far. Maybe even good. I just finished making a soup, so I’m going to eat it and rewatch Grey’s Anatomy (again). If you’re reading this, I hope you can have soup and watch a nice show soon too.